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Letting Go of Control and Accepting Help as You Age
Aging is an inescapable part of life, yet many struggle to accept it. We live in a culture that extols the virtues of youth, where aging is often viewed as a catastrophe to be avoided at all costs.
For example, the marketplace abounds with products that promise a more youthful appearance. As Susan Douglas, University of Michigan professor and author of “In Our Prime: How Older Women are Reinventing the Road Ahead,” points out:
“They tell us we can’t be happy with wrinkles and eye bags. And they engrain those beauty standards in the minds of young people early on. The job of the entire anti-aging industrial complex is to make everybody phobic about getting older. It’s a great strategy because everybody is always getting older, and nobody can escape it, creating a constantly renewing and endless market.”
This pervasive denial of aging’s realities permeates other aspects of the media culture. Commercials for all manner of products and services overflow with images of young people having a good time. At the same time, ads aimed at older adults typically focus on pharmaceuticals and other aids to ward off or manage the effects of aging. While these latter portrayals may depict happy and contented characters, they simultaneously suggest that older adults are plagued by their ailments.
Yet, it is impossible to ignore the realities of aging. We cannot eat and drink like we used to. The physical activities we enjoy are now often more challenging or take longer to recover from. Yet, we wear the blinders of denial, ignoring the warning signs of creeping infirmity and the possibility that we may need help.
A typical example is the decline in driving skills that often accompanies aging. Driving is the classic symbol of autonomy and convenience. Many resist handing over the keys even when there is ample evidence that continued driving is becoming increasingly risky for themselves and others on the road. Generations within families often clash over genuine concerns about safety versus fear of losing independence.
Resistance to Aging
Insight into why we are reluctant to accept the certainty of aging can be found in the work of psychologist Carl Rogers (1902-1987). Among Rogers’s core ideas about human personality was self-concept, which refers to our thoughts and emotions about ourselves.
Rogers characterized the self as two parts: the ideal self and the real self. The ideal self is how we see ourselves as we would like to be. The real self is who we actually are. When these two are in alignment, Rogers suggested that a person feels higher self-worth and has a more positive outlook on life. Conversely, people whose ideal and real selves are less aligned are more likely to experience a sense of psychological unease in their lives.
Applying this idea to the aging process, if the ideal self identifies as a 20-year-old when the real self is 60, a disconnect will occur, resulting in some level of psychological discomfort and potential physical risks. It’s a classic case of trying to control the uncontrollable, of not accepting reality, which only leads to suffering.
Moving from Control to Acceptance
It is human nature to seek control over our environment. It’s part of the survival instinct that helped us evolve into the complex creatures we are today. Yet, when overused, we repeatedly get into trouble by trying to control things that are impossible to control.
Breaking out of this insane cycle starts with awareness, followed by acceptance that, despite all our efforts, we can’t stop the aging process and may benefit from others' help.
However, acceptance does not mean declaring we are entirely helpless. Instead, it means realistically assessing our situation, accepting the realities of aging, and then deciding what to do about it. We acknowledge that we have been operating under the illusion that we can exert the same level of control over our bodies that we are accustomed to. At the same time, we rationally assess what things can still be handled independently and don’t yet require help.
The beauty of acceptance is that it opens us up to choices about what action to take, whereas ongoing denial makes us feel like we are struggling and losing out.
The Benefits of Acceptance
Accepting our situation and acknowledging where we need help brings important benefits.
- Less Stress – Trying to control the uncontrollable is not only futile but also exhausting. Adopting an attitude of acceptance allows the mind and body to rest. It also frees up mental and emotional bandwidth to focus on more satisfying concerns.
- Less Risk – Accepting assistance improves safety. For example, staying off ladders and instead asking younger people to handle such tasks reduces the chances of catastrophic falls.
- Better Relationships – Asking for help can strengthen existing relationships and open the door to new ones. People want to help, and accepting their help allows them to express their care and concern.
Tips for Letting Go
Letting go and accepting help as you age is a gradual process that incorporates these ideas.
1. Start Small and Slow – Transitioning to a state of acceptance about aging can feel like a significant mental shift. Start by focusing on small things. For example, we tend to lose strength as we age. Rather than “toughing it out” and risking injury, consider using technology or other tools to make tasks easier.2. Adopt a New Attitude – Accepting help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness. Having the courage and humility to recognize areas where help is needed and graciously accepting that help is a positive step forward.
3. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask – Even if you accept that you need help, you may still resist asking, either to avoid inconveniencing others or because of perceived expense. Part of adopting a new attitude is recognizing that others usually want to help. Also, cost may be a valid concern, but weigh this against your safety and sanity. You may realize it is the best money you've ever spent.
4. Discern What You Can/Cannot Control – The famous Serenity Prayer states:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
The key phrase, “wisdom to know the difference,” highlights the importance of discernment in the acceptance process. Since we are so driven to control things, it’s tough to admit that with some things, it's just not possible. Aging makes this particularly difficult, because we were once able to control certain things more readily than we can now.
5. Cultivate a Gratitude Attitude – When one accepts the forfeiture of independence to any degree, it's common to feel grief and loss. An antidote to these feelings is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Counting one’s blessings is a great way to accentuate the positive and shift from a feeling of loss to one of positivity and possibility.
Self-Confident Aging
Learning to accept the limitations imposed by aging does not mean completely surrendering independence. Instead, it means having a realistic understanding of your choices, which provides the freedom to face life's changes confidently with grace, enthusiasm, and the support of your loved ones.
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